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What if trying harder to surrender to God is actually stealing the joy from your relationship with Jesus?

You want God to guide your everyday decisions, but sometimes the pressure to pray more, listen more, and surrender more leaves you wondering whether you’re doing enough. Even your time in the Bible can start feeling like just another responsibility.

In this episode, discover how to recognize when you’re trying to control your relationship with God and begin enjoying the freedom of having his support.

We’ll explore three simple checks to help you recognize what’s getting in the way of your joy:

• The Identity Check: “Am I operating from my royal identity as a child of the King?”
• The Attitude Check: “Does my work feel like a privilege from God, or just a burden I’m expected to carry?”
• The Activity Check: “Are my actions coming from overflowing love, joy, and peace?”

You’ll discover how prayer journaling can help you recognize where you’re seeking satisfaction, bring your deeper needs to Jesus, and experience a more natural, peace-filled relationship with him.

Links Mentioned

Get our free Hearing God Starter Kit at: Sophiculture.com/guide

Get personal support in your relationship with Jesus in our membership community at: Sophiculture.com/illumination

Have you ever wondered whether you should be praying more about your everyday choices, like your schedule or your budget? You want Jesus to have the throne in your life, but sometimes trying to make sure you’re including him in everything takes the joy right out of it. What if you could relax and enjoy his company, and trust him to guide you when you need it?

Maybe you’re trying to put your relationship with Jesus first. Yet you find yourself doing things without stopping to listen to him. You wish he would guide your footsteps so you wouldn’t make so many mistakes.

You may even feel guilty for not asking him to guide you, or for not thanking him when things go well, or for not bringing your burdens to him. Sometimes you may feel like you’re avoiding a friend. And when you feel stressed, or when life feels out of control, you may wonder whether it’s because you haven’t been intentional about living it with your Creator. As the hymn says, “Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.”

But I want to challenge the guilt we get from that, that eats away at our joy and confidence in the way God actually leads us. By the end of this post, I hope you’ll understand what it’s like to let God guide you without feeling like you should be constantly surrendering more.

Letting God Guide an Ordinary Decision

Let me tell you about my weekend, because it’ll show you what it’s like to let God be in control while you live your life naturally. Last week, I was scheduled to go camping with friends, but things kept coming up that interfered with our plans. I started feeling like it wouldn’t be worth doing, but there were no available weekends before winter for rescheduling.

Sometimes in scheduling situations I feel responsible for making a decision, to avoid last-minute problems. But this time, instead of praying about the right decision, I waited and let the situation sort itself out. Finally, the whole event was called off because of the rain.

I could’ve taken action earlier, but I didn’t notice a desire inside of me to get guidance on this from God. And I noticed that afterward, I was glad I hadn’t stressed about making this decision with him. Instead, I had felt peace that I could wait and see what would happen.

Have you ever had that feeling that God was guiding you without having to control all of your decisions? Like he’s supporting you instead of supervising you?

When Prayer Becomes a Scorecard

We all want balance in our relationship with Jesus. We feel content when we know he’s guiding our footsteps, and troubled when we’re doing things without stopping to listen. But the underlying guilt I want to address today shows itself when we feel like we’ve been avoiding that friendship with Jesus.

We may feel okay with not praying as often as we’d like until we get stressed. And when life starts feeling out of control, we might feel bad that we haven’t kept up with our prayer routine. You may assume the answer is to make yourself stop more often and practice spiritual discipline.

Not only should you be discerning God’s will for each decision, but thanking him for each blessing and casting every burden on him. I’m not arguing with that ideal, but I’d like us to pause here and find out what God really thinks and feels about our role in this.

The Pressure to Earn God’s Approval

Because there’s a kind of codependency that can develop when you feel responsible for getting God’s approval for everything. You can start to treat the moments when you haven’t stopped to listen or thank him as failures on the spiritual discipline scorecard. Hidden religious bondage makes us feel deep down that God wants us to conform our behavior to his ideals.

And feeling this way can keep us from enjoying how our choices can naturally flow out of our free, creative connection with him. So that’s when I get back to the foundational question: who really controls my ability to come to God? And when I don’t practice certain spiritual disciplines, am I actually failing God?

If we go even one layer underneath that, we can discover why spiritual discipline might feel burdensome instead of liberating. You can ask, “Am I using my prayer scorecard to help me feel in control without actually enjoying true relational freedom?”

What Are You Looking for in Prayer?

For me, the root I come back to is always whether or not I find satisfaction in my prayer life. Because if your spiritual disciplines are driven by the satisfaction that you’re getting it done, you’ll stop looking forward to them. And you’ll eventually notice you’re still craving the one thing you value most: your deep connection with Jesus.

The challenge is that getting that connection going again means redirecting needs to him that have been being met in less fulfilling ways. It’s normal to find other ways of satisfying our deeper needs, which can then leave us trying to protect and control whatever competes with his affection, making it hard to see how Jesus could better fulfill our heart’s desires. This is where spiritual discipline can become a benefit or a burden.

If we use prayer as a way to reassure ourselves that we’re still in control of the relationship, the routine can end up feeling stifling. Spiritual discipline can only free us from religious behavioral conformity when it’s helping us recognize the deeper needs we’re trying to meet elsewhere and bring them honestly to him.

A Lifestyle Shaped Around God’s Presence

Our deepest longing is for our whole lifestyle to be shaped around his presence. None of us wants to be constantly trying to figure out whether our connection with him is full or only halfhearted. The good news is that we can naturally begin to notice what’s most fulfilling to us and automatically just talk to him about it.

In fact, this is one of the main things I often do without thinking about it whenever I start my prayer journaling. Inside, I know that he can reset my affections on things that are above just the rewards that the earth promises. A long time ago, I realized I was always looking forward to getting to journal my prayers each day because it always satisfied me.

And I think that shift from religious bondage to free conversation happened because I was checking my motivation right off the bat. I want to bring you along through that subconscious check, so you see what it means to set your affection on things above. So I’ve put my automatic process into words, and I hope this helps you recognize how you’re already checking yourself in these ways, too.

They help you ask: What am I turning to for satisfaction right now, and what’s the deeper need Jesus wants to satisfy? Mealtime prayer and other moments when we start new activities during the day are the moments when we’re already considering the big picture and making quick decisions.

Putting This Into Practice

That’s when it helps to ponder what we’re doing and why, and ask God what he thinks about anything that doesn’t feel right.

Three Checks for Everyday Life

I’m going to give you three situations where I naturally turn to God without feeling like I’m earning relationship benefits for praying. I tend to remember my identity in Christ when I find myself pausing in between daily tasks, or my mind is thoughtful while driving. I often realize my attitude needs help when I find myself frustrated or anxious because something isn’t going well.

And I check what’s interfering with my decision-making when I have problems I need to think through. We’ll start with the identity check, then I’ll explain the attitude check and the activity check. The goal isn’t for you to write this all down and start doing this each day, although you can if it helps you. I’ve included the three checks below.

My goal is for you to recognize what healthy spiritual discipline looks like so you can do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

1. The Identity Check

Ask yourself, “Am I operating from my royal identity as a child of the King?” This is where you notice whether you’re looking to yourself, achievement, discernment, or something else to feel secure. If you feel dissatisfied with how your day is going, you can ask him for something special in the moment to connect with his presence.

2. The Attitude Check

Ask yourself, “Does my work feel like a privilege from God, or just a burden I’m expected to carry?” When you realize you’re getting more and more anxious or frustrated, you’ll remember that God’s there to help. You can bring the issues to your journal or you can review your journal for what God has been telling you about your situation.

When I notice an ongoing battle in my life, I write out a battle card ahead of time based on what’s in my journal. My card this week says, “And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.” That’s 2 Corinthians 9:8.

And the back of the card says, When I feel frustrated by my responsibilities, I plan to ask you to bring me back to what’s comfortable and right for me. The card is on my desk so whenever I feel anxious about getting things done, I might see it and feel relieved that what I do will be enough.

3. The Activity Check

Ask yourself, “Are my actions coming from overflowing love, joy, and peace?” There are times when you’re participating in Bible study, prayer or worship and you feel the Holy Spirit moving. If you want a lifestyle of flowing with the Holy Spirit throughout each day, you’ll notice when problems come up and block your joy.

That’s when you can stop and ask God to help you think through the decision in front of you so you can see it the way he does. If you want more of this kind of relationship, you can create cards that remind you of whatever you want to remember. Be sure to place those cards in spots around the house where you’ll read them when you need them most.

It’s God that develops routines of spiritual discipline in us, and it’s not so we can feel good about having the routines. Over time, when you follow your sources of satisfaction, you’ll discover how God’s always there to support you. He’s not there to help you make sure you’re praying enough to stay connected with him.

He’s there to remind you of the connection that’s always there, and show you how you can remind yourself about it, too. This is how a lifestyle shaped around his presence slowly falls into place. Now let’s look at the difference between this kind of surrender to something beautiful and the other kind of guilt-based surrender.

Recognizing a Healthier Relationship with Prayer

If you’ve tried hard to have a relationship with Jesus but find yourself moving through the day without stopping to listen to Him, it may not be because you don’t have enough spiritual discipline. It may be because other ways of satisfying your deeper needs have left you trying to protect and control what matters most, making it hard to see how Jesus wants to fulfill those needs. Here’s what to do instead: check your identity, attitude, and activities to find out where you’re turning for satisfaction, and bring those deeper needs into your conversation with Him. How will you know when you’re using the desire to be spiritually disciplined to motivate yourself to pray, and when you’re not?

Clue #1

One clue is that your journal becomes a place you want to go. You expect to be supported. You go there to find out what’s really happening in your life. You end your journaling time feeling relieved and peaceful because you see things more from God’s point of view.

Clue #2

Another clue is that resistance becomes useful information that you can work through. You notice when you don’t want to pray or journal. You describe that resistance in your journal or conversation with Jesus. He helps you pinpoint the half-truths that don’t accurately represent reality in your experience.

This exposes unsatisfying ways of handling stress and success so that you can let them go and receive from Jesus instead.

Clue #3

Another clue is that your ordinary life begins to feel like a partnership with Jesus instead of a tug of war with yourself. You use and trust your own wisdom and common sense. You notice when you sense a desire in your heart to get guidance from God. You have peace to wait and let God sort things out even if it might be uncomfortable in the moment.

You treat him like someone who’s always in the room with you, talking to him when it makes sense to talk and being quiet the rest of the time. I noticed those clues in my camping trip decision. I didn’t feel a need to think through the decision. I had peace to wait, and when the situation sorted itself out, I didn’t regret having waited.

That’s what sensitivity to the Holy Spirit looked like for me in this situation. I experienced his guidance coming naturally as I paid attention to my desire for it.

When Guidance Doesn’t Come Naturally

So what happens when his guidance doesn’t come naturally? During intense battles, you’re motivated to remind yourself to cry out to him. You learn to notice the signs that you’re relying too much on your own wisdom based on mistakes you’ve made in the past. You learn to treat insights that come to mind as possible words from him that you can journal about.

When your journaling conversation doesn’t feel scripturally sound, you change the way you’re thinking about things. These are all ways of watching your natural responses and adjusting how you do things so it feels more and more satisfying to pray. Remember that God is deliberately bringing you into maturity at a slow pace.

You have time to enjoy your breakthroughs without feeling rushed into the next one or feeling behind if it doesn’t come. The bottom line is that he is doing work through this process behind the scenes so you will desire and do his good pleasure more and more. Your job is not to control the process, but just receive it and respond to it as you feel the desire.

Growing at God’s Pace

Here’s the takeaway: spiritual discipline frees us from religious behavioral conformity when it helps us recognize the deeper needs that we need to bring honestly to him. As our conversation with Jesus addresses these, we can feel relief that God is there to support us, not control us. And when you don’t feel that relief, you can notice what you’re resisting and discuss it with him.

The goal is to know what to do when you’re not looking forward to opening your journal. Over time, you begin to discover a way of interacting with Jesus that fits the life you’re already living. You watch to see what comes naturally and adjust how you do things so it feels more and more satisfying to pray with your Bible.

And you don’t have to worry about how long it will take to feel like you’re making progress with this. God loves bringing each of us into maturity at our own unique, slow pace. If you’d like some help knowing how to have the kind of conversation with Jesus I’ve been talking about, I’ve put together the Hearing God Starter Kit.

You can get it for free at Sophiculture.com/guide.

Now, Let’s Pray This

Lord, you know I get weary trying to manage my prayer life just the way it should be. I love that you know what I really desire and how you will fill all my needs. That gives me confidence that coming to you will set me free and not restrict me. Whenever I feel a sense of control in my relationship with you, remind me that you have perfect control and that this control supports my free will and doesn’t dominate me. Help me understand and enjoy our connection more and more as I grow. Amen.

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Next Steps:

Get our free Hearing God Starter Kit at: Sophiculture.com/guide

Get personal support in your relationship with Jesus in our membership community at: Sophiculture.com/illumination